How did we end up here?
by monsterintheballroom
Summary: Elsie & Isobel femslash. A trip to Ripon will change everything for Isobel and Elsie. The real Downton events, that might show up in future chapters, are not in the correct chronological order,I just use them how I need them :)
1. Prolog

_"Oh,Isobel," Elsie d we end up here?"_  
 _Isobel slowly turns around. Facing Elsie. Holding her tight in her arms. Getting lost in her beautiful eyes. Eyes that have made her knees weak so often during the last months. Eyes that are so deep that Isobel fears of drowning in them. Eyes that have comfort and caressed her._  
 _"I don´t have the slightest idea,"Isobel answers with a mischievous smile on her lips,"but I´m glad we did,Mrs Hughes."_  
 _"So am I,Mrs Crawley,so am I,"Elsie teases back. She knows how much Isobel loves her thick Scottish accent and she lets Isobel´s name drop really slow from her tongue._  
 _Hungry lips meet,tender hands explore bodies, that have been untouched for too long, while their minds travel back to the day that changed their lives._


	2. Chapter 2

Elsie walks up and down the platform, patiently waiting for the train to Ripon. Her eyes are travelling over the other passengers, when she suddenly thinks that she has spotted Isobel standing on the other end of the platform but before she can reassure herself, the train arrives and Isobel disappears in the crowd of people who are getting off the train. But Elsie is sure that it was her because she would always recognise Isobel. Everywhere.

"What an utter waste of time and money," Isobel mumbles to herself when she leaves the theatre. "The actor would never get another engagement if I would run the theatre." Isobel decides that she needs a cup of tea and a piece of cake to get over this disappointment. She walks to the cafe on the corner. Isobel looks around for an empty table and spots Elsie sitting in the corner, looking out of the window. Isobel hesitates for second and lets her eyes rest for a moment on Elsie´s profile. She always thought that Elsie has a certain charisma she can´t name. Isobel shakes her head, irritated by this sudden thought and walks to Elsie´s table.  
"Mrs Hughes," Isobel says, "what a nice surprise."  
Elsie looks up. "Oh,Mrs Crawley. I thought it was you standing on the platform."  
"May I," Isobel asks and points at the empty chair.  
"Yes, please. "  
Isobel gives the waitress a sign and orders a cup of tea and a slice of cake. "What brings you to Ripon, Mrs Hughes?" Isobel asks when the waitress left again.  
"It´s my day off and from time to time I like to visit the big city," Elsie chuckles and takes a sip from her cup. She can´t help but notice how good Isobel looks in her light blue dress with the matching hat. "And you, if I may ask, Mrs Crawley? "  
"I was actually visiting the matinée at the Ripon Theatre but it was a real disappointment this time. In fact, I left earlier. The whole production was very dilettantish and I would rather not say what I think of the leading actor," Isobel rolls her eyes and takes another bite. Elsie is watching her with an amused smile. Studying the fine lines around her eyes. Lines that show that Isobel isn´t a woman who hides her feelings. Elsie likes it, that Isobel doesn´t hide behind a cold and tidy facade like most women of her standing do.  
"May I ask, if you have heard from Ethel, Mrs Crawley? We haven´t spoken since and I hope that you are no longer cross with me, that Lady Grantham and I interfered," Elsie wants to know, suddenly realising that it´s important for her what Isobel thinks of her.  
"Dear Mrs Hughes, I have never been cross with you," Isobel starts but stops when she sees Elsie´s arched eyebrow. " Good, I admit that I was a bit upset in the beginning but now I know that you and Lady Grantham meant well and that I was just too pride to admit that at the time because I didn´t want Lady Grantham to win again, if you want to put it like that. But to answer your question, I have heard from Ethel. I recently received a letter from her. She seems to be happy, although you can read between the lines that she is missing Downton. But I guess she is willing to pay that price," Isobel sighs.  
"I´m glad to hear that. Not only that she has finally found some peace but also that you are no longer angry with me, Mrs Crawley," Elsie smiles over the rim of her cup.  
Both women stay for a while at the cafe before they take the train back to Downton. Isobel insisted on changing Elsie´s ticket into a ticket for the first class. Elsie wanted to protest but Isobel didn´t give her much of a chance. And Elsie has to admit that she is enjoying the comfort of the first class and Isobel´s company.

It is raining when their train arrives at Downton station.  
"Oh no, it is pouring by now," Isobel says when they leave the station. "Did you bring an umbrella, Mrs Hughes? "  
"No, I didn´t and it won´t stop raining for quite a while by the look of the sky. I will be soaking wet before I get home. "  
"You can´t walk home in this rain. You will catch a cold or even worse. Why don´t you come with me, Mrs Hughes? I can´t promise that we won´t get wet but it is definitely closer. What do you say, Mrs Hughes? "  
Elsie knows that Isobel is right but the thought of her being at her house as a guest makes her suddenly feel uncomfortable . She doesn´t know why because she has been there before and had tea with Isobel when they were dealing with Ethel. "I don´t know. Maybe I wait here for another half an hour and then walk up to the house. "  
" But you said yourself that it won´t clear off soon and I would feel comfortable by the thought of you standing here while I sit in the warmth of my salon, " Isobel says and looks at Elsie with an encouraging look. Finally Elsie agrees and both women hurry to Isobel´s house.  
"The rain was heavier than I thought. Maybe you were right and we should have wait for a moment, Mrs Hughes," Isobel says when they stand in her hall with wet dresses.  
Molesley helps both of them out of their coats.  
"We should get out of our wet clothes as soon as possible," Isobel suggests on her way upstairs, Elsie is following her. "Come with me, I can give you one of my robes and then we will have a nice warm cup of tea."

20 Minutes later.

Elsie is coming downstairs, wearing one of Isobel´s robes which makes her a bit uneasy. The door to the salon is ajar and Elsie can see Isobel standing in front of the window, playing absent- minded with her necklace. Thunder can be heard in the distance. Elsie´s hand rests on the door handle. Her eyes wander over Isobel´s delicate profile down to her neck, following the curl that has fallen down. Isobel has changed into a long skirt with a matching white blouse that caress her figure. Elsie has always admired Isobel´s posture that shows so much confidence and pride. Her eyes linger a bit longer on Isobel´s small back than they actually should. _"Stop it, Elsie, stop it,"_ she admonishes herself and enters the room.  
Isobel knows very well that Elsie is watching her but she doesn´t want her to know. To Isobel´s surprise is she enjoying the feeling to be looked at like this. She knows what kind of effect she has on other women. A shiver runs down her body when she imagines how Elsie´s eyes are travelling down her back. Isobel wonders where this sudden feeling of excitement comes from but she hears a noise at the door before she can examine this feeling any further and turns around.  
"There you are. And the robe seems to fit," she says, giving Elsie an approving look.  
"Yes, thank you, Mrs Crawley, but I feel a bit uncomfortable I have to admit," Elsie says, closing the door behind her.  
"Nonsense, I could hardly let you walk home in your wet dress, Mrs Hughes. And I can assure you that pneumonia is not as funny as it might sound."  
"But I really shouldn´t be here and wasting your time not to mention wearing your clothes."  
"Well, the other option would have been that you walk around in your undergarment and wearing my robe is the least embarrassing solution for this problem. And you are not wasting my time. I can say for myself that I´m very glad meeting you today, Mrs Hughes. I really enjoyed your company," Isobel says and smiles at Elsie.  
"So did I. I usually have to go on my own but today was really a nice change, Mrs Crawley," Elsie replies and her eyes fall again on Isobel´s loose strand of hair. "Your hair has come loose."  
"Oh, I´m sorry but I didn´t check the mirror after I´ve changed. "  
"Please, let me help you," Elsie says hasty, too hasty when Isobel is about to raise her arms.  
Isobel turns around, facing the window again. Elsie steps a bit closer. Isobel can feel how her clothes are brushing against her back. Elsie takes Isobel´s hair gently in her hand. Goose bumps are running down Isobel´s back when Elsie´s cold fingers accidently touch her neck. This doesn´t go unnoticed by Elsie and she looks at Isobel´s reflection in the window. She can see that Isobel has closed her eyes, a faint smile on her lips. Elsie´s fingers start to tremble but she finally manages to pin Isobel´s hair.  
"Everything is back where it belongs, Mrs Crawley," Elsie says and steps back.  
"Isobel," Isobel whispers.  
"I beg your pardon, Mrs Crawley?"  
Isobel turns around. "It´s Isobel. Please call me Isobel," placing her hand on Elsie´s arm.  
"I... Mrs Crawley... I can´t. It´s not... ," Elsie stutters.  
"It´s not appropriate, you mean?"  
Elsie nods.  
"Well, we don´t know each other that good, but you must have noticed by know that I don´t really care about what is appropriate and what is not. The whole affair with Ethel must have proved that. So please, do me the favour. Just when we are alone of course, I don´t want you to have any trouble because of me but I consider you as a friend and it would be nice to hear my name again without the addition of cousin. Here I´m either Cousin Isobel or Mrs Crawley but never Isobel like I used to be."  
"I don´t know," Elsie feels uneasy. How often has she called her Isobel in her mind when she was thinking of her. She looks down at her arm where Isobel is still touching her and back into Isobel´s eyes that are waiting for an answer. "I think that would be alright. As long as no one finds out."  
"Wonderful," Isobel squeezes Elsie´s arm a bit," and may I ask for your first name? We know each other for such a long time and I still don´t know your first name."  
"I´m used to it. Sometimes I am scared that I will forget my own name because hardly anyone is using it," Elsie says with a bitter tone in her voice, looking out of the window. "It´s Elsie, Mrs... Isobel. My name is Elsie," she says and placing her hand on Isobel´s.  
"Elsie," Isobel whispers and at this very moment their eyes meet. They stand like this for a moment. Eyes locked, hands touching each other, hearts beating faster.  
Both women flinch when they hear a knock on the door, stepping away from each other like children who have been caught in the act.  
"Come in," Isobel says, clearing her throat.  
Molesley opens the door. "The tea, Mrs Crawley."  
"Oh,good. We can use a hot cup of tea. Please, put the tray on the sideboard. I´ll do the rest. And Molesley, please get Mrs Hughes dress from the bathroom, dry it somehow and put it into the guestroom."  
"Yes, Mrs Crawley," Molesley says and leaves the room again.  
"Please, Elsie, take a seat," Isobel pours the tea into two cups and hands one to Elsie. Elsie´s fingers slightly brush Isobel´s hand when she takes the cup from her. Causing another shiver. _"Stop it, Isobel, stop it._ " This time it´s Isobel who has a to admonish herself and sits down next to Elsie on the settee.  
"This is a very nice gramophone you have," Elsie says and takes a sip fom her cup. Desperately trying to a find a topic and reason for not looking at Isobel.  
"Reginald, my late husband, gave it to me. I do like to listen to music occasionally. Mainly opera. How about you? Do you like music?"  
"Yes,I do. I have a gramophone of my own not that big and expensive of course. I don´t use it as often as I should, but once in a while when I find a quiet moment, I like to listen to it. I like opera, too. Don´t laugh at me but I also like the music the young gentleman,Lady Rose´s friend, recently played at the house. Jazz it´s called I believe."  
"You should have seen Lady Grantham´s face when she saw Lady Rose´s surprise," Isobel grins into her cup. " It´s quite different from what I hear but it was nice to see the young people enjoying themselves."  
What follows is an hour of lighthearted conversation and secret glances. Elsie can´t help herself but every time when Isobel takes a sip from her cup she feels how her temperature is rising, she has to force herself to look away but her eyes always wander back to Isobel´s lips when they touch the rim of the tea cup, when her tongue licks the tea from her lips.

Little does Elsie know that Isobel has troubles of her own. Her eyes automatically travel down to Elsie´s hands. Isobel can´t forget the moment when Elsie´s hand touched hers. She thought that her hands are rough and cold but no, her skin is smooth and warm. Somehow delicate. Both women have to force themselves to listen to the other one. They don´t want their distraction to be noticed by the other one.

The tea stands long forgotten on the table when both women walk upstairs.


	3. Chapter 3

Isobel sits in front of her vanity mirror and slowly removes a pin from her hair.  
"Please, my darling, let me do this for you," Elsie steps out of the shadow and starts removing one pin after another. Isobel enjoys the sensation of Elsie´s hands in her hair. "Tonight you belong to me. Tonight I am going to steal your heart," Elsie whispers into Isobel´s ear, her warm breath tickling the sensitive spot behind Isobel´s ear. Their eyes meet in the mirror, sparkling with desire for each other. Elsie lets her fingers run gently over the outlines of Isobel´s collarbone. A soft moan escapes Isobel´s lips, when Elsie´s fingers run further down over her cleavage to ... a knock on the door makes Isobel jump.

"Mother? Mother?"  
Isobel has to shake her head before she realise that Matthew is standing in the doorframe. Her heart beating so fast that it´s nearly bursting out of her chest.  
"Matthew? What... what are you doing here?" Isobel collects herself and gets up to greet her son.  
"What a nice welcome," Matthew grins.  
"I´m sorry, but I was miles away."  
"Yes, I´ve noticed that. I´m staying the night here if you don´t mind. It´s already late and I have to get up very early tomorrow. I have some business to attend in London."  
"Yes, yes, of course it´s alright," Isobel mumbels, still being distracted by what happened just moments ago and by the warm feeling that still lingers in her body.  
"Did you have a nice afternoon?" Matthew wants to know.  
"Mm? What? Oh yes. It was nice. I met Mrs Hughes and we had tea together," Isobel answers curtly. "I´m sorry, it was just a busy day and I´m tired. "Will I see you at breakfast?" As much as she loves her son, but at the moment she rather wants to be alone.  
"Mother, I just told you that I have to leave early," Matthew chuckles. "I think it´s better that you go to bed now. Good Night, " Matthew gives her a light squeeze on the arm and leaves the room.

Isobel walks to the armchair that stands next to her bed and takes her robe off. _"What happened today, Isobel?"_ Isobel asks herself, while she runs her fingers absent- minded over the soft fabric of the robe Elsie wore only hours ago.  
"Is it possible... Oh, don´t be silly, Isobel," she says out loud and climbs into her bed. "You just had a nice day with a friend and that´s all. Everything else would be ridiculous," but the warm feeling, that rises up again when she looks back to the vanity mirror, betrays her words. And deep down Isobel knows this.

At the same time Elsie has problems to find sleep. After an hour of tossing and turning, she gets up and pours herself a glass of water. Her eyes fall on the umbrella that hangs on her door. Isobel´s umbrella. She has to smile when she remembers how Isobel forced her to take the umbrella with her in case it starts raining again. Her thoughts wander back to the afternoon, to Isobel standing at the window and to the moment when Isobel called her Elsie for the first time. Elsie believed to hear endearment in Isobel´s voice at that moment, but she knows that this was just her imagination, because how often did she lay awake during the night and imagined how it would be to hear her name from someone who really cares about her. Who whispers her name into her ear. Caress her with her name. Just for one night would she like to feel all of this.  
Suddenly Elsie is overwhelmed by her feelings and throws the glass against the wall. Tears are running down her cheeks.

 _"This can´t happen, Elsie, it can´t. Not again."_


	4. Chapter 4

2 weeks later

Elsie looks up from her desk, when she hears a soft knock on the doorframe. "Mrs Crawley, what are you doing here?"

 _"Okay, Elsie. You can handle this,"_ but why doesn´t she believe herself?  
"I just had tea with Matthew and Mary and I thought that would be a good chance to collect my umbrella," Isobel says and enters the room.  
Elsie gets up, but she doesn´t make a move into Isobel´s direction. She rather wants to stay at the other end of the room. Being safe.  
"Your umbrella? Yes, of course. It has been so busy lately, that I forgot to return it. I will get it for you, Mrs Crswley, " Elsie says hasty. Nearly rushing out of the room and leaving a bewildered Isobel behind. Of course hasn´t Elsie forget Isobel´s umbrella. How could she? During the last two weeks has it been the last thing she saw when she went to bed and the first when she woke up in the morning. Hanging there like a permanent reminder of the afternoon they´ve spent together. It has taken Isobel only one afternoon to turn Elsie´s world upside down. A world that has taken Elsie so much effort to build up, collapsed with only one look and one touch. Elsie´s glad that she hasn´t seen Isobel for two weeks. Two weeks that gave Elsie time to build up a wall of resistance. But she doesn´t know how robust this wall really is, because Isobel was so different from all the other women she´d fancied before.  
Elsie knows that it wouldn´t be good for her to give in, because she remembers very well what happened after she fell in love for the first time and she never wants this to happen again. She never wants to go through this misery again.

Elsie walks back downstairs and stops in the doorframe. Isobel is standing in front of the cabinet where she keeps her little collection of fine china. Isobel is holding a cup in her hand, studying the design, running her fingers over the frail porcelain. Elsie is unable to fight back the images that are popping up in her head. Images of Isobel shoving her against the cabinet, plates falling on the floor. Kissing her passionately, while she unbuttons Elsie´s blouse, exposing her voluptuous bosom. Isobel biting her lips lasciviously, when her sharp fingernails are running over the sensitive skin of Elsie´s breast. Smiling, when she sees what kind of effect her touch has.  
And Elsie hears the first bricks falling out of her wall.  
"Is something the matter, Mrs Hughes?" Anna asks when she sees Elsie standing in the hallway, clenching the umbrella in her hands. Elsie doesn´t hear her, she takes a deep breath instead and walks into the room.  
Anna looks into the room, when she passes it and finds Isobel standing there. Anna shrugs and makes her way to the kitchen, not giving that scene a second thought.

Elsie is about to close the door but when she looks at Isobel, who puts back the cup on shelf, does she change her mind and leaves it open.  
"You have a fine collection here, El... Mrs Hughes, " Isobel corrects herself, when she sees that Elsie hasn´t closed the door, which disappoints her. She was looking foward to spend some time alone with Elsie when she came downstairs, maybe having another cup of tea but now she can see the discomfort in Elsie´s face. _"She can´t be that afraid, that the others find might find out that we have become friends,"_ Isobel thinks, but before she can ask Elsie what´s bothering her, Elsie begins to speak.  
"Thank you, Mrs Crawley. I got the first cup from His Lordship when I had my fith anniversary and as you can see I´m here for quite a while now," Elsie tries to put on a happy face but she knows that she failed miserably. She can see it in Isobel´s face that she has noticed something. An awkward silence fills the room.  
"So, here is your umbrella," Elsie finally says and hands it to Isobel. She tries not to look directly at Isobel. She knows how dangerous it is for her, but she can´t withstand the urge to look at Isobel´s beautiful eyes, but before their eyes meet again, Elsie is saved by Anna.  
"I´m sorry to interrupt, Mrs Hughes, but do you have a minute?" Anna asks, standing in the door.  
Elsie can´t say how relieved she is by this disturbance. She hasn´t even notice that she´d held her breath the whole time and exhales.  
"Yes, of course, Anna. Please come in. Mrs Crawley is just leaving," Elsie says and sees the puzzled look on Isobel´s face. Elsie feels sorry for practically kicking Isobel out, but she knows that this is for the best.  
Isobel is very confused by Elsie´s behaviour towards her. She knows that there must be more then the fear of the others finding out, because she knows how close Elsie and Anna are and Anna looks to her like a woman who can keep a secret.  
"Very well then, Mrs Hughes. I better go. Have a nice afternoon," Isobel forces herself to smile and nods at Anna when she leaves the room.

A delicious smell tickles Isobel´s nose when steps into the corridor and it leads her directly to the kitchen where she finds Mrs Patmore looking into the open oven.  
"Mrs Patmore, this smells delicious."  
Mrs Patmore startles, "Mrs Crawley, what are you doing here. I am sorry, I didn´t mean to be..."  
"That´s alright Mrs Patmore. I just picked up my umbrella. I borrowed it Mrs Hughes a while ago," Isobel answers and waves the umbrella as if she has to prove that she isn´t lying.  
"Well, since you asked, Mrs Crawley. This is a cake for Mrs Hughes. It´s her birthday in two days´ time and the cake has to rest for a day."  
"Her birthday? I had no idea. Thank you, Mrs Patmore and don´t let it burn," Isobel says and leaves.  
"Burn. Pffff. What does this woman think? That is not my fir... Oh,no," Mrs Patmore gets the cake out of the oven just in time.  
On her way out Isobel looks into Elsie´s room and finds her sitting at her desk, talking to Anna. Isobel observes this scenery. Her eyes are traveling over Elsie´s face, following her hand when she´s touching Anna´s arm. Elsie looks to the door for a split second and it hits Isobel like a thunderbolt.

Later that day

Isobel sits at ther desk in her bedroom and wraps the gift she´d bought for Elsie. Isobel looks up from the parcel in front of her to the picture, that stands on the desk and picks it up. "Am I really doing the right thing, Reginald," she asks, running her finger over her late husband´s face. Pictures of her and Reginald are flashing up in her mind. Isobel and Reginald dancing together for the first time, Reginald holding Matthew. Isobel standing at Reginald´s coffin, feeling the heavy burden of a lost love on her heart and then a picture of her and Elsie flashes up. Both are sitting together on the settee, holding each other. Elsie whispering sweet words of endearment with her beautiful scottish accent, that Isobel loves so much. Isobel gets up from her desk and looks out of the window into the dark. "Is it so wrong to long for somene else´s touch? To love and be loved?" Isobel hesitates and looks down at the picture she´s still holding. "Yes, Reginald, I love Elsie," she knows that she can´t unsay these words anymore but when Isobel is honest to herself, then she knows that she is in love with Elsie since they first met. Isobel had noticed Elsie´s reaction to Violet´s comment to her question, how they should call each other and Isobel immediately liked her. She always wanted to believe that this was only a deep sympathy and although she has found some women attractive in the past, did she never feel love for them, she only admired their beauty, but with Elsie is it something different. Something she could never point out until two weeks ago, when they spent the afternoon together. All the jigsaw pieces fell into their right places and Isobel could no longer hide from the truth. Elsie´s behaviour has distracted her today, but Isobel was sure that Elsie felt the same. She has seen it in her eyes. Isobel doesn´t know if it is right to make the first move or to make a move at all, she only knows that she would always regret it at least not to have tried.  
"I will never forget you, Reginald, but you are not here anymore and I am alive," Isobel says, tears in her voice. "And I no longer want to live with this void," and with these words Isobel puts the picture of Reginald in the drawer of her desk.

The next day

"Mrs Hughes, this parcel just came for you," Anna says and gives it to her.  
"Thank you,Anna. I wonder who send it. I already got all my birthday mail."  
"Maybe you have a secret admirer, Mrs Hughes, " Anna grins and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

Elsie knows immediately by look at the handwriting, that her secret admirer isn´t that secret at all. Elsie unwraps the parcel. It´a record. _"She remembered,"_ Elsie smiles, running her fingers over the cover. A card falls out of the record sleeve. It´s an invitation for tea on her next day off. Elsie gets up from her desk and looks out of the window for a moment. Collecting herself because this gift has taken her completely by surprise. "Oh, Isobel, why are you doing this to me?" More bricks are falling out of her wall. "And why do I have to torture myself? Is it so wrong to long for somene else´s touch? To love and be loved? Yes, Isobel Crawley, I do love you but this can´t be." Tears are falling on the card she is still holding. Elsie knows what she has to do next and her heart is aching by the thought of it, but she rather wants to break her heart herself, than let it break by someone else.


	5. Chapter 5

2 days later

It´s been 10 minutes since Elsie arrived at Isobel´s house and she´s still standing in front of the door. Unsure if she should knock or not. Elsie holds the record on front of her like a shield. She knows, that what she is going to do, is the best for her, even when she is losing Isobel as a friend. Elsie knocks before she can make up her mind again. Nervously biting her lips, rehearsing the words she wants to say over and over again in her head.  
"Iso... Mrs Crawley," Elsie is surprised to see Isobel opening the door.  
"Elsie, what a nice surprise. I didn´t expect you that soon. Please come in," Isobel smiles and steps aside. "Don´t worry, we are alone."  
"Alone?" Elsie asks, feeling a bit sick by the thought of it.  
"Yes, Molesley wanted the afternoon off. Something with his father. I didn´t really understand it," Isobel laughs while she puts Elsie´s coat on a hanger.  
"Mr Molesley and his father - a never-ending story," Elsie tries to laugh, although she rather wants to cry. Her heart is aching, when she sees Isobel standing there and smiling at her, not knowing why she really came.  
"Matthew told me that Nelly Melba is coming. Isn´t that exciting," Isobel says while they are walking down the hall.  
"Yes, very exciting," Elsie says, just for the sake of saying something.  
"Oh, you brought the record. I hope you like it. Maybe we can listen to it later," Isobel says, when she looks back at Elsie, who is following her into the salon.  
Elsie doesn´t reply, she knows that there won´t be a later and she doesn´t now if she can trust he voice, because she feels a lump in her throat. She puts the record on the little table that stands next to the settee.  
"Why don´t you take a seat, Elsie."  
"No, thank you. I can´t stay long," Elsie answers, clearing her throat. Everything has sound so easy when she practised her words at home, but now with Isobel standing in front of her, her mind has gone blank.  
"Is something the matter?" Isobel comes closer, standing right in front of Elsie, who has to fight back the urge to storm out of the room, because she feels, that with every second she spends with Isobel in one room, is she losing more and more of her courage.  
"I just came here to... , " Elsie´s look falls on the record.  
"Yes?" Isobel looks at her curiously. She has noticed Elsie´s discomfort, the same she has shown the last time when they have been alone. Isobel takes Elsie´s hand. It costs Elsie a lot not to flinch. "Look, I´ve noticed that my visit downstairs has made you feel uncomfortable. I promise you that this won´t happen again. I didn´t know that... "  
"No, you did nothing wrong," Elsie interrupts her and takes a deep breath. "It´s ..., " but she can´t do this. She can´t tell Isobel that she´s only here for returning her gift and that it would be better for her not to see her again. Not while Isobel is holding her hand, not while she can see her concern. She hates herself for being so weak, that she can´t resist Isobel like she could resist all the other women before Isobel. Tears are running down her cheeks.  
Suddenly she feels Isobel´s hand on her cheek, wiping her tears away.  
"Elsie, what is troubling you?" Isobel asks, feeling the rising tears in her eyes.  
Elsie leans into Isobel´s touch, covering Isobel´s hand with hers. She enjoys Isobel´s touch. This is all she ever wanted, but she´ll never have it. Elsie dares to look at Isobel and at this moment her wall collapses into pieces. Now she knows why Isobel is so different from all the other women. Elsie feels herself falling and she can´t do anything to stop this.  
Both women lean forward at the same time. A warm feeling is spreading in Isobel´s body. It has been so long since she felt something like this and it is exactly how she imagined it during the many sleepless nights. Isobel doesn´t want to let her go, but suddenly Elsie is pushing her away.  
Elsie feels that something isn´t right. Isobel´s lips are rough and cold, her body rigid. Elsie is Isobel pushing away and all the colour drains from her face. "No, I... this... ," Elsie starts in disbelief. It´s not Isobel, who is standing in front of her, it´s a ghost from the past. Elsie stumbles back in her panic and nearly falls over the little table. The record falls on the floor and Elsie steps on it. "Elsie, please, what is wrong?" Isobel is confused by her behaviour. They just shared a wonderful moment and the next moment Elsie is in panic and wants to get away from her as far as possible.  
Isobel tries to reach for her. "This was a terrible mistake. Please, forgive me," Isobel hears Elsie saying, when she storms into the hallway.

"Please, Elsie. Tell me what is wrong. I don´t understand. Please, come back," Isobel tries to follow her, but Elsie is at the frontdoor, frantically looking back at her. "It wasn´t a mistake," but the door falls into the lock, the hanger still dangeling on the wardrobe. "I do love you," Isobel whispers. She is staring at the door in disbelief, still hoping that Elsie comes back and tells her that this was just a cruel joke. After a while Isobel walks back into the salon. _"How could I be so wrong? Have I been so selfish, that I deliberately misread the signs?"_ She sees the record laying on the floor. Isobel kneels down and picks it up. Pieces of the broken record are falling out of the record sleeve. Isobel starts to sob, when she sees the pieces laying there in front of her. "It wasn´t you, Elsie, who made a mistake. It was me," Isobel says into the empty room, pressing the record sleeve against her chest.

Elsie starts up when she feels a hand on her shoulder.  
"I am sorry, Mrs Hughes, but you didn´t hear me knock," Anna says, stepping away from her bed.  
"Anna? What... what are you doing here," Elsie wants to know and hastily wipes her tears away.  
"I was worried, when I saw you rushing upstairs. Is something the matter? Did you hurt yourself, Mrs Hughes?"  
"It´s nothing, Anna. " Elsie sits on the edge of her bed now and tries to collect herself. Anna´s presence has caught her off guard. "I.. I just needed a moment for myself."  
"Are you really sure? I can call Dr Clarkson," Anna tries again, because she doesn´t believe Elsie.  
"No, really. I´m fine," Elsie tries to assure her. "And he can´t help me anyway," she adds barely audible.  
Anna is already on her way out, when she turns around again. "Mrs Hughes?"  
"Yes?" Elsie sighs, she would like to be alone again.  
"I know it´s not my business, Mrs Hughes, but does it have something to do with the parcel you got?"  
Elsie looks at her with wide eyes. _How could she know? No,she doesn´t know anything._ "I... I... what are you talking about?" Elsie studders and knows that she has given herself away with this reaction.  
Anna comes closer. "I saw something the other day, Mrs Hughes."  
Elsie rises from her bed. "What, what have you seen?" she demands to know.  
"Well, you didn´t hear the gong and that is not like you, Mrs Hughes. So I went to your room and knocked, but you didn´t answer and I knew that you´re in there, so I opened the door and saw you standing at the window... crying." Anna doesn´t want to make Elsie feel uncomfortable , but what she has seen worries her.  
Elsie covers her open mouth with her hand, she can´t believe what she´s just heard and sits down again. Anna sits down next to her. "But I immediately closed the door again."  
Elsie clears her throat. "Have you..."  
"No, I haven´t told anyone, Mrs Hughes."  
Elsie is relieved, but nonetheless alarmed. How could she explain why she was crying? "But what makes you think that this has something to do with today?"  
"Because I know you for quite a while now, Mrs Hughes," Anna takes Elsie´s hands in hers. "And I´ve noticed your changed behaviour after you got the parcel. You have been so distracted and didn´t really pay attention when someone was talking to you."  
A million thoughts are running through Elsie´s mind. She gets up and nervously kneads her hands. Elsie doesn´t know how to get out of this situation, because Anna is right, she knows her too well and would immediately know when Elsie tells her a lie. Elsie would even call their relationship a friendship, a very distant friendship but one nonetheless. And if the circumstances were different, Elsie would consider to confide in her.  
"Mrs Hughes, " Anna gets up as well, " I´m really sorry, if I´ve made you feel uncomfortable. I shouldn´t have said a word. I am just glad to see that you are okay," but her worried expression tells something else.  
"Anna, I...," Elsie begins and stops. She doesn´t know how to continue. She isn´t even sure if she should say something at all. She could easily send Anna away without saying anything, but Elsie would always know that Anna suspects something. Of course can´t Anna suspect what happened today, but just the thought of it, that Anna might suspect something, makes Elsie feel uneasy. So maybe, just maybe she should tell her the whole story. Elsie knows, that Anna is discret and can keep a secret, but how would she react to hers? It is not only a secret Elsie keeps, it´s herself she keeps secret. All her life has Elsie lived with this secret and suddenly she has the feeling that she can no longer carry the burden, because suddenly there are people who care about her. Isobel may not be in love with her, but Elsie knows that she had found a true friend in her. At least she had a friend in her until today. Elsie has tears in her eyes again, when she remembers what happened earlier. She was so glad to find a friend and then she´d ruined everything with her feelings. Elsie sits back on the bed.  
Anna hands her a handkerchief. She is overstrained with this situation, because she has never seen Elsie in such a state. All these years Elsie has been a firm rock and everybody, who had something on their mind, could come to her. It pains Anna to see, that Elsie sits there like a bunch of misery and has no one she could confide in.  
"Mrs Hughes, I know that I don´t have the right to know what is going on with you, but when Mr Bates was arrested last year, I could always come to you, no matter what time it was and cry on your shoulder," Anna sits down next to Elsie and takes her hands again. "Maybe I´m not in the right postion, but you have always been there for me and I want you to know, that I´m here for you."  
"Thank you," was the only thing Elsie is able to say. She is torn between telling Anna everything and keeping her secret and live on like she did all these years.  
"It... it means a lot to me what you´ve just said, " Elsie smiles sadly. "But I...," Elsie stops again. "I´m scared to tell you the truth"  
"Scared? What do you mean, Mrs Hughes?" Anna is confused.  
"I´m scared that you will... that you will despise me when you know the truth," it costs Elsie a lot to speak these words. This was one of the reasons why she kept her secret all these years and not even Mrs Patmore, who she really calls a friend, knows about it. She doesn´t want to feel the disdain and see the disgust when they find out about her. She has seen it so often and she knows that she could never live with this reaction from the people she cares about.  
"I don´t know what so say, Mrs Hughes, but surely this can´t be that bad, that I´ll change my mind about you." Anna looks encouragingly at Elsie. She can see that Elsie is struggling with herself, but she doesn´t want to push her. After a while, when Elsie hasn´t said a word, Anna gets up and wants to leave the room, when Elsie begins to speak.  
"It was a gift from Mrs Crawley and today I have been at her house to return it," Elsie begins.  
"I thought that you and Mrs Crawley are friends, Mrs Hughes."  
"Well, that... that is the problem. I... I... have more than friendly feelings for her."  
"You mean, that..."  
"Yes, Anna. I´m in love Mrs Crawley and this is not the first time... I have always prefered women." There it is. Elsie doesn´t want look at Anna. She doesn´t want to see her disgust. But when Anna doesn´t react, Elsie looks at her  
"I think, I can be honest now, but I had an assumption, Mrs Hughes," Anna says carefully after digesting the schock of Elsie´s revelation.  
Elsie can´t believe what she´d just heard. " You... knew?"  
"No, not until now. But last year I´ve seen you arguing with the new postmistress. I didn´t hear what you were saying, but I had the impression that you were very familiar with each other and when you left, she was very upset and crying. And you know, there are these rumours about her in the village and I just... I´m sorry, Mrs Hughes, but I simply assumed. Have you and her been...," Anna feels a bit uneasy to ask this.  
"No, I ended it before it could start. That´s why we had this argument," Elsie smiles sadly. " Have you told anyone?"  
"About what I´ve seen? Of course not, Mrs Hughes," Anna answers and queezes Elsie´s hands she´s still holding.  
"Thank you," Elsie whispers.  
"But if I may ask, Mrs Hughes, what happened today that you are in such a state? Have you told Mrs Crawley?"  
Elsie shakes her head, the images of their kiss are back in her head. Anna gets Elsie a glass of water and she takes a sip before she continues.  
"We... I kissed her," Elsie looks at the glass in her hand.  
"And Mrs Crawley didn´t react how you expected?" Anna asks after a while Elsie hasn´t said thing.  
"Yes... no... I don´t know, because suddenly Rachel was standing in front of me and I ran away" Elsie answers absent-minded.  
"Rachel?" Anna asks confused  
"A ghost from the past. Someone I would like to forget, but I can´t because... because of her I am who I am today," tears are running down again. Elsie wipes them forcefully away. She gets up and walks to the little window. Looking onto the court where Thomas stands. _"If he would only know how much we have in common,"_ Elsie thinks.  
"Maybe I should start at the beginning," Elsie says after a while, looking back at Anna.

"Before I came here I was working in a house near London. Rachel was already working there. It was my first employment and I was really scared being away from home and all the new impressions, but Rachel was really nice to me and took me under her wing. We became really good friends, spent our spare time together and soon we became more." Elsie looks back out of the window, because she doesn´t want Anna to see her blushing, when she remembers their first love-making. "It was wonderful, because suddenly there was someone, who really cared for me, who loved me. I´ve never felt like this before or after," Elsie walks back to the bed. "Of course nobody could know about us, but we didn´t mind because we had each other and well, secret kisses are the sweetest of all," Elsie smiles abesent-minded.

" Everything was perfect until Mrs Edwards, the head-housekeeper, offered me new position. She thought, that I was good at my job and she wanted me to become her assistent, so that I could become her replacement one day. I was over the moon and all the other servants have been so happy for me, except Rachel. Her reaction was rather relactant, but I thought she was behaving like this because of our relationship. That the others might suspect something when she´s too happy. I don´t know and I didn´t really give it a second thought, because two days later she said that we should celebrate this and that she has a surprise for me. I was stunned when I entered my room. It was decorated with flowers and there was even a little gramophon. No idea where she got it from. And Rachel was standing in the middle of the room, looking exceptionally beautiful," Elsie wipes another tear from her cheek. "We were dancing to the music, everything felt so right, but... but when we started kissing... Mrs Edwards burst in. Everything happened so fast. Rachel pushed me away, yelling at me, what I was doing to her. Wiping her mouth, saying that I was disgusting. And all the time I stood there and didn´t understand a word, while Mrs Edwards demanded to know that was going on. Rachel accused me of... of... of forcing myself on to her," Elsie was sobbing now.

Anna doesn´t now what so say and takes Elsie in her arms instead. After a while Elsie calms down and continues." Mrs Edwards wanted to know if this was true and I said that this was a lie, but Rachel started to cry and became really hysterical and said that this wasn´t the first time I tried to make a move. I couldn´t believe what I was hearing. And what even more shocked me, was the look in her eyes, when she said all these evil things. She was enjoying to humiliate me. I tried to defend myself, but in the end Mrs Edwards believed Rachel and she told me to leave as soon as possible, what I did the other day. Of course everybody knew in the morning what happened the night before and I could not only see but also feel the digust of the others. All the people who seemed to like me, were now disgusted by me. At least Mrs Edwards was so nice and gave me a reference, but I could see her disgust,when she handed me the papers, as well ." Elsie wraps her arms around herself. "The worse thing was, that the others had warned me about Rachel. They told me to be careful, because she was only using other people for her own good and did nothing without ulterior motives, but I didn´t believe them. Why should I? They dind´t know the Rachel I knew. The caring and sensitive Rachel, the Rachel who made me laugh and held me during the nights. Well, obviously I was the one who has been blind. Now I know that she was jealous of me and this must have been a trap, because the music was far too loud, but I was so happy,that I didn´t notice," Elsie laughs bitterly. "Rachel was standing at the gate when I left. I stopped and wanted to know why she had done this, but instead of giving me an answer, did she insult me again, called me names I don´t want to repeat and... and... and spat at me, before she went inside again. Laughing."  
"Oh, Mrs Hughes, I don´t know what so say," Anna says with tears in her eyes.  
"Well," Elsie says after a while," then I came to Downton. I could start all over again and I did."  
"Did you ever have another relationship?" Anna asks.  
"With another woman? No, I... I... once even tried to have a relationship with a man...because I thought that maybe... but... I couldn´t change myself and it was... so horrible. That´s why I decided, that I rather stay alone than forcing myself into something I don´t want."  
Elsie can see Anna´s compassion for her in her eyes and it feels so good, because she knows that Anna really means it. Anna´s emotion have always been an open book for her and today she was extremely grateful for this.  
"But did you never fancy other women? What about the postmistress?"  
Elsie smiles at Anna." Of course have there been other women and under different circumstances, who knows? But every time when I noticed that I was beginning to feel something for them, I simply went away. I bottled up my feelings and forbade, yes, I forbade myself to love again," Elsie laughs bitterly. "And you know, it worked. Of course was it painful sometimes, because who doesn´t want to love and be loved, but after a while I got over it and went on as if nothing happened." Elsie sits down on the chair next to her desk.  
"But then Mrs Crawley came,"Anna says.  
"Yes, Isobel, "Elsie whispers, looking out of the window, picturing Isobel standing in her hallway, begging her to stay. "She is so different from all the other women. I tried so hard, because I could feel that my feelings for her grew stronger with every encounter, but I could do absolutely nothing against it. I was helpless. But now I know that I´ve seen things... no,I wanted to see things that weren´t there."  
"But Mrs Hughes," Anna kneels in front of her, placing her hands on Elsie´s knees, " you said, that you ran away. So you don´t know how Mrs Crawley reacted to your kiss. Maybe if you would ex..."  
"Oh,no," Elsie interrupts her," I can never look into her eyes again. I´ve made a complete fool out of me and I´ve ruined everything. She´ll probably never want to see me again. I know that I´ve lost her and I can´t blame her," Elsie´s sighs.  
The gong sounds before Anna can say something.  
"Oh,no, is it already that late?" Both women get up. "Why don´t you stay here, Mrs Hughes. I´ll tell Mr Carson that you are not well," Anna offers.  
"Yes, maybe that would be better. I must look like a mess," Elsie laughes, blowing her nose.  
"Thank you, Anna." Anna doesn´t have to ask what for. She only hopes, that she was able to help Elsie with listening to her story, but by the look of her, she doubts that it is her, who can really help.


	6. Chapter 6

Two weeks later

"Auntie Izzy, Auntie Izzy," Sybbie yells, when she runs around the corner into Isobel´s garden, where Isobel´s cutting the roses.  
"Hello, Sybbie. What a nice surprise." Isobel gets up on her feet and gives her a hug. "What brings you here?"  
"She needed a new dress and wanted to show it to you," Tom says and greets Isobel with a kiss on the cheek.  
"Do you like it?" Sybbie says and swirls around. "It has my favourite colour," she adds proudly.  
"I can see that. This must be now your 20th red dress," Isobel laughs.  
"Probably, but I like to spoil her from time to time," Tom says.  
"You should," Isobel says and smiles at Tom. "Would you like to join me for tea? And how about a lemonade for you, Sybbie?"  
"Only if we don´t keep you from doing anything," Tom says and they are walking inside.  
"Not at all," Isobel says and serves the tea. Tom sits down next to Sybbie on the settee.  
"You have become a stranger lately," Tom says and takes a sip.  
"Oh,well. It was rather busy at the hospital. There was no time for a visit," Isobel lies. She hasn´t been at the hospital for the last couple of weeks and she couldn´t care less about it at the moment.  
"Hope you don´t mind me saying this, Isobel, but you look rather tired. You are working too much."  
Isobel tries to smile. She has hardly slept during the last couple of days, but she can´t do anything about it and she knows that the lack of sleep is slowly taking its toll. Everytime when she finally fell asleep, Elsie´s face showed up. Begging her for forgiveness for what she´d done. Isobel´s first impulse was to go to Downton the day after the incident and speak to Elsie, because Isobel couldn´t bear the thought, that Elsie blames herself for what happened, when it´s actually her fault. When she was the one, who has seen things, that weren´t there. She wanted Elsie to know, that there was nothing to apologise for, but Isobel quickly dropped that plan. She didn´t want to bring Elsie in an uncomfortable situation and you never know how many ears are actually listening in.  
Isobel doesn´t react to Tom´s comment, instead she asks him about his job at Downton.  
Sybbie gets bored after a while. "Daddy, can we go now? I want to show Esie my new dress."  
"Esie?" Isobel asks.  
"Mrs Hughes. She is very fond of Sybbie and Sybbie adores her," Tom replies. "Not today, Sweetie. I told you that Mrs Hughes is not feeling well. Maybe you can show it to her tomorrow," he says to Sybbie.  
Isobel becomes clairaudient. "Els.. I mean Mrs Hughes is sick?" Isobel hopes that she doesn´t sound too eager and that Tom hasn´t notice how the cup in her hand is shaking.  
"I only heard, that she´s not well. Hardly eating and not being herself lately. Maybe the flu. Daisy just had it. I don´t really know. Maybe you should send Dr Clarkson to see after her. Now, Sweetie, shall we go?" Tom gets up and Sybbie runs into the garden.  
"Yes, maybe." Isobel gets up and sees her guests out.  
"Will we see you at the concert, Isobel?" Tom asks before he says goodbye.  
"Well, yes. Yes, of course," Isobel replies distracted. Her mind is racing, her stomach still cramped from what she´d just heard about Elsie.  
As soon as her guests disappeared around the corner, Isobel rushes up to her room. She knows now what she has to do, because Dr Clarkson can´t help Elsie. No one but Isobel can help Elsie and she is ready to pour her heart out, even when this means that she´ll lose Elsie for good.  
It takes Isobel the rest of the day and several attempts to write the letter, to put all her feelings into words. The sun has already gone down and crumpled sheets are covering the floor, when Isobel puts her pen down. A weight is lifted from her shoulders, when she seals the envelope. This night Isobel has no problems to find sleep, because everything she had on her heart stands in this letter and she feels that this will help Elsie to put her mind at rest.

The evening of the concert

Isobel sits absent- minded at the dinnertable and plays half- hearted with the food on her plate. She doesn´t even have the nerve to react to Violet´s snide comments on the current conversation. She doesn´t even know what the current topic is, because Isobel´s thoughts are circeling around the letter in her purse. She would very much like to get up and storm downstairs. It is a real torture for Isobel to sit there and pretend that everything is okay. Isobel hopes that she´ll get a chance after the concert to talk to Elsie, but will she take the letter and really read it? Doubts are rising in Isobel with every minute that passes.

Isobel is relieved when the dinner is finally over and they all walk into the entrance hall for the concert.  
She lets her eyes wander around the entrance hall to the area, where the staff will be sitting. Isobel gasps, when she finds Elsie sitting next to Anna. Although Tom´s words have warned her, is the actual sight of Elsie´s frail condition a shock for her.  
"Is something the matter, Mother?" Matthew, who walks behind her, asks.  
"What? No, I just felt a bit dizzy for a moment," Isobel answers, sitting down on the next free chair in the last row.  
"Are you really sure? You are white as a sheet, as if you´ve seen a ghost. Maybe I should get you a glass of water."  
Isobel is thankful that Matthew leaves her alone after he got her a glass of water and she could assure him, that she´s already feeling better. Matthew´s words are still ringing in her ears. He wasn´t wrong, Isobel has seen a ghost. She looks back at Elsie, hoping that she has seen someone else. It has only been two weeks since the incident, but it was long enough to let the Elsie, Isobel has fallen in love with, disappear. It costs Isobel a lot of willpower to fight back the tears, while her eyes are wandering over Elsie´s fragile appearance. Eyes, that have made Isobel´s knees weak, have lost their brightness and stare empty on the floor. Lips, that have caused a warm shiver not too long ago, pressed together to a thin line. Elsie is not more than a shadow of her former self.  
Nelly Melba starts to sing and Isobel tries to pay attention, but her thoughts are always wandering back to Elsie. The song ends and everybody applauds. Isobel tries in vain to make eyecontact with Elsie. She wants to give her sign, that she has to speak with her, but Elsie still stares on the floor. The applause ends and Isobel is still looking in Elsie´s direction.  
"I would like to dedicate the next song to love and lovers," Nelly Melba says, before she starts singing again. Elsie gets up and storms out of the room, when she hears these words. Puzzled looks of the other servants are following her. Isobel´s heart tightens and she instictively wants to follow Elsie, but she remembers where she is and sinks back onto the chair. Isobel discretly wipes a tear from her cheek. The images of Elsie running away from her the other day are returning. Isobel feels the weight of the letter in her purse on her lap and it gets heavier with every word Nelly Melba sings.

As soon as the applause ends, Isobel gets up. She hopes to catch Anna before she walks downstairs.  
"Anna?"  
"Yes, Mrs Crawley?" Anna replies, coming over to Isobel.  
"Can I ask you a favour, Anna?" Both step aside.  
"Yes, of course, Mrs Crawley. How can I help?"  
"I have something for Mrs Hughes, but... but I´ve seen that she left during the concert." Isobel swallows down the lump in her throat. "And... and I would like to ask you, if you could give it to her?"  
Anna can clearly see that Isobel has problems to retain her composure.  
"Of course, Mrs Crawley. Mrs Hughes just didn´t feel well," Anna knows that Isobel doesn´t believe her lie, because she has seen Isobel´s reaction to Elsie´s sudden disappearance. Anna would very much like to tell Isobel the truth, because she can see that Isobel is suffering under the situation as well, but Anna doesn´t want to betray Elsie´s trust and make things even worse for her with that, when she finds out, that someone she trusted, has betrayed her again.  
"Yes, Mr Branson mentioned something," Isobel mumbles. She looks around the entrance hall to make sure that no one is watching them before she hands Anna the letter. Anna takes it and let it slide in her pocket.  
"Thank you, Anna. And could you... oh, nevermind. Just give Mrs Hughes the letter," Isobel says and leaves before Anna can say something. Isobel just wants to get home. Her doubts, if she´d done the right thing, are back and she knows that another sleepless night lays ahead of her, but she has hope that at least Elsie will find some sleep this night.

Anna finds Elsie sitting at her desk, staring at the papers in front of her.  
"Mrs Hughes?" Anna knocks on the doorframe and close the door behind her.  
Elsie gets up, but doesn´t bother to wipe her tears away after she has seen that it´s her. "Is the concert already over?" Elsie feels sorry, that Anna is constantly seeing her in such a state since she confide in her, but she is glad that she has done it. Elsie knows that she couldn´t handle the whole situation on her own, not this time.  
"Yes, Mrs Hughes. You have really missed something."  
" I know, but I..."  
"It´s alright, Mrs Hughes. You don´t have to explain. I understand."  
"Is she... are all the guests already gone?"  
Anna knows what Elsie actually wanted to ask. "Mrs Crawley was one of first guests who left, but she gave me something for you." Anna takes the letter out of her pocket and gives it to Elsie.  
"A letter?" Elsie stares at it, as if she has never seen one before. It feels heavy in her hand.  
"Mrs Crawley hasn´t said anything, but I had the impression that it was important for her, that you read it and I think you should, Mrs Hughes. Maybe you get some clarification," Anna adds carefully .  
"Of what? That she doesn´t want to see me again? That it has disgust her what I have done?" Elsie asks sadly, her hands are shaking now.  
"Mrs Hughes," Anna comes closer and puts her hand on Elsie´s," I don´t think, that Mrs Crawely has any hard feelings for you," Anna tries to explain. She doesn´t want to say too much, because, even when Elsie has confide in her, isn´t Anna sure if Elsie really wants her to get involved, but Anna wants at least give her a push in the right direction. "And I don´t think that Mrs Crawley would have wasted her time with a writing a letter that says how much she despise, when she could simply evade you. I´m sorry, Mrs Hughes, but I have to go. Lady Mary is probably already waiting for me," Anna says and leaves after giving Elsie another encouragingly smile.

Elsie stands lost and forgotten in her room after Anna has left. She knows, that Anna is right with everything she´d said. It can´t go on like this. She needs clarification. _"Then what are you scared of? You already expect the worse. At least you have it in black on white then, what Isobel really thinks of you and you can move on,"_ Elsie thinks on her way to her desk and sits down. "As if this would be so easy," she says out loud, her fingers running over the edge of the envelope. After a while of staring at it, Elsie finally opens the envelope and unfolds Isobel´s letter. She takes a deep breath and starts to read.  
Soon Isobel´s words are making Elsie´s heart beat faster. Every sentence brings her closer to Isobel. Every passage lifts the black veil of loneliness from Elsie´s heart a bit more.  
Images of Isobel sitting at her desk appear in front of Elsie´s inner eye. Isobel looking occasionally up, when she´s looking for a word. Smilling, when ... suddenly Elsie has to cough. She looks up and her eyes widen in shock. Smoke crawls from under the door into her room. Elsie was so immersed in Isobel´s letter, that she hasn´t notice how the smoke has slowly filled her room. Elsie gets up, but a coughing fit makes her stagger. She tries to yell for help, but her voice is hoarse and her lungs hurt. Her eyes are burning and tearing. The smoke got so thick, that she can hardly see where she is going. She slowly makes her way to the door. Elsie staggers again and she tries to support herself on the table next to the door, but her hand slips and she is losing her balance. Elsie hits her head on the edge of the table and she falls unconscious on the floor ... still holding Isobel´s letter in her hand.


	7. Chapter 7

Early Afternoon

"Anna? Dr Clarkson is here," Miss Baxter says and leads him into Elsie´s room.  
"Thank you, Miss Baxter." Miss Baxter smiles shyly at the doctor and gives Anna a sign, that she wants to have a word with her.  
Anna follows Miss Baxter into the corridor. "What is it, Miss Baxter?"  
"I found this next to Mrs Hughes yesterday." Miss Baxter gets Isobel´s letter out of her pocket and hands it to Anna. "I haven´t read it of course, but it looked to me like a personal letter, so I rather took it, before it lands in the wrong hands."  
"Are you sure that no one has seen it?" Anna asks concerned, because she has recognised the colour of the paper immediately and knows, that this is indeed a very personal letter.  
"Well, Mr Barrow has definitely seen it, when he picked Mrs Hughes up, but I took it as soon as I saw what he was staring at. I can´t say for sure if he has read anything or how much. Everything was so hectic."  
"I guess, when Mr Barrow has seen something, we will soon find out ," Anna sighs. "Thank you, Miss Baxter." Anna puts the letter in her pocket and goes back into Elsie´s room.

"How is she, Dr Clarkson?"  
"Well, to be honest, I´m a bit concerned that she´s still unconscious. Didn´t she regain consciousness at all today?" Dr Clarkson asks, while he puts his stethoscope into his bag.  
"She was conscious for a very brief moment, but got unconscious again and was very unresting after that. I had troubles to calm her down and nearly wanted to send for you," Anna tells him, but she leaves out that Elsie was calling Isobel´s name before she got unconscious again.  
"Please do so next time. Then I can give her a tranquiliser. She must rest," Dr Clarkson says with an worried expression on his face. "At the moment we just have to make sure, that she doesn´t catch a fever. I´m sorry, Anna, but I have to go back to the hospital, but I am coming back later this afternoon."  
Anna sees Dr Clarkson out.  
Anna sits down on the edge of Elsie´s bed and puts a wet cloth on her forehead. Elsie gets bit restless again, when the cold fabric is touching her skin.  
"Iso... don´t ... plea... ," Elsie starts to mumble. "Forgi..."  
"Shh, Mrs Hughes, everything is alright. You are in a safe place."

Anna is lost in thoughts, when she hears Miss Baxter´s voice. "Anna? I spoke to Mr Carson and he agreed, that I take care of Lady Mary tonight. I thought that this might disburden you a bit."  
"Thank you very much, Miss Baxter, that is very kind of you."  
"Is there anything else I can do? " Miss Baxter asks.  
"Well, actually... if you could take care of Mrs Hughes for a bit. I have to go to the village and I rather don´t want to leave her on her own. Dr Clarkson said, that he wants to look after her later. I promise to be back before the gong." Anna gets up and makes room for Miss Baxter.  
Anna went to the pros and cons of her plan over and over again. She knows, what she´s going to do is the right thing, but does she really have the right to do this? But one last look at Elsie confirmes her decision.

Isobel tries to distract herself with a book, but after reading the same sentence over and over again, she throws the book frustrated on the table and gets up. She can´t explain where this sudden strange nervousness, that has befallen her this morning, comes from. Even her uncertainty, whether Elsie has read the letter or not, does not explain this stir. Isobel rearranges the flower in the big vase on the table, when Molesley comes in and announces a visitor. Isobel hopes, that this might put her mind at rest and tells Molesley to send the visitor in, but her stomach cramps, when she sees who it is.  
"Anna? Please, come in." Isobel gets nervous, because Anna has never been at her place before and after the events of yesterday, Isobel isn´t expecting any good news. _"Don´t be ridiculous. Elsie would hardly send Anna with a message for you. Anna doesn´t know anything,"_ Isobel tries to calm herself down. "Please, take a seat. Can I offer you a cup of tea?"  
"No, thank you, Mrs Crawley, I won´t stay long." Anna sits down on the settee and Isobel on the chair next at the fireplace.  
Isobel studies her concerned face. " What brings you here, Anna?"  
"There has been a fire in the kitchen at Downton."  
Isobel gasps. "My God, is anybody hurt? Matthew... what..."  
"I´m sorry, Mrs Crawley, to have upset you. I should have made myself clearer. A cable on one of Mrs Patmore´s new machines caught fire somehow. It was soon discovered and put out, but there was a high formation of smoke."  
A feeling of releave spreads in Isobel, but is soon replaced with anxiety.  
"I don´t understand. Why are you here then? I mean, even Matthew didn´t telephone me about this incident."  
"Well... it´s Mrs Hughes, why I´m here."  
Isobel is clenching her hands so hard, that her knuckles turn white. She hopes that Anna hasn´t noticed her shock, when she heard Elsie´s name. Her worst fear has come true. Elsie has send Anna, has send her to tell her to stay away from her. It takes a moment before Isobel has collected herself, she takes a deep breath and prepares herself for what Anna has to say. "What about Mrs Hughes? I... I don´t understand."  
Of course has Anna seen Isobel´s reaction and this is prove for her, that it was the right thing for her to come, even when this means to betray Elsie. "You see, Mrs Hughes got injured last night. She was in her room, some of the smoke got in there and when she wanted to get out, she must have stumbled over something, because she´d hit her head on the table and was unconscious when we found her." Isobel gets up, when she hears this, suddenly being very interested in the objects that are standing on the mantlepiece. She can´t look at Anna, she can´t let her see how she is slowly losing her composure. When Isobel thinks, that she can trust her voice, she says," I´m sure Dr Clarkson can spare a nurse, who can take care of Mrs Hughes, if this is why you are here." Isobel still stands with her back to Anna.  
"I´m not sure if a nurse is what Mrs Hughes needs right now, Mrs Crawley. You see, Mrs Hughes gained consciousness for a very brief moment this morning and... and... she was mumbeling your name." Isobel supports herself on the mantlepiece, feeling dizzy, when she hears this.  
"Mrs Crawley, may I talk frankly to you?" Anna asks and wonders at the same time, if she hasn´t gone too far already.  
Isobel nods, but still can´t face her. Her thoughts are swirling around Elsie, her mind painting the bleakest pictures of Elsie.  
"I know, that you and Mrs Hughes have become friends and that you have become very important to Mrs Hughes," Anna pauses and lets this words sink in. Isobel heart starts racing.

" I also know, that you are as concerned about Mrs Hughes as I am, because I have seen your reaction, when Mrs Hughes has left the concert yesterday. I... I have seen that you care very much for her," Anna says, carefully tiptoeing around the pink elephant, that stands in the middle of the room. She knows, that she has already crossed a line with coming here, but what she has just implied, crossed more then one boundary. She wouldn´t even dare to speak to Lady Mary like this, who she knows for years. But she hopes, that her innuendos will have an impact and when Isobel gets cross with her because of that, then she´s willing to live with the consequences.  
Isobel sinks back on the chair. Her composure completely gone now, but she still doesn´t say a word.

"Mrs Crawley," Anna makes one last attempt," please come with me. Mrs Hughes needs you."

Miss Baxter and Dr Clarkson are surprised to see Isobel following Anna into the room and their surprise turns into irritation, when they see Isobel´s reaction. Isobel´s heart skips a beat, when she sees Elsie laying there. She hurries to Elsie´s bed, kneels down and takes her hand. Holding it close to her heart. She doesn´t care who is seeing her, doesn´t care about the possible consquenses. Isobel has only eyes for Elsie. Although, already expecting the worse, is this nearly too muchto bear for Isobel  
"Elsie, what happened to you? " Isobel is barely able to speak.  
"I think, we should better go, Miss Baxter," Dr Clarkson whispers. Miss Baxter agrees, they and Anna are leaving.  
"Richard? Wait," Isobel calls after him, when she sees him leaving. Isobel plants a kiss on the back of Elsie´s hand before she gets up.  
"How... how bad is it? And please be honest with me," Isobel says with a thin voice.  
He sighs. "Very well then, I´m very concerned about her unconsciousness, because there is no medical reason why she hasn´t gained consciousness yet. Her injuries aren´t that serious. The wound on her forehead didn´t even need stitches and two of her ribs have contusions. Luckily was she found right in time, so that she just had a light smoke poisioning. Anna told me, that Mrs Hughes didn´t feel well lately and I´ve noticed her weightloss of course, maybe this could explain her condition or maybe not. I honestly don´t know."  
"Yes, maybe," Isobel says quietly and looks back at Elsie.  
"Isobel? I never stood a chance, didn´t I?" Dr Clarkson suddenly asks. Isobel knows, that he´s referring to the failed proposal he made weeks ago at the annual fair.  
Isobel looks back at him and shakes her head. " No, I don´t think so. I´m sorry, Richard."  
Anna and Miss Baxter witness this scene from afar and even when they didn´t hear what thas been said, do they exchange a knowing look.  
"Don´t be, Isobel."  
"Will this change anything between us?" Isobel looks down at her hands.  
Richard can see the uncertainty in Isobel´s eyes, when she finally looks at him. He puts his hand on hers. "No, it won´t. You know, I am very fond of you, Isobel and it might sound strange, but I´m glad that you´ve obviously found someone, even when it won´t be easy."  
"I know, but I didn´t choose it, it chose me."  
The doctor nods. "And who knows what it´s good for. Maybe we would have drove each other already mad with the whole wedding preparations, " Richard chuckles and Isobel joins in.  
"Yes, you are probably right. I know, that I can be a bit... well... "  
"Exhausting?" Richard offers and laughs.  
"Yes, lets call it exhausting. I´m sure you´ll soon find a woman, that is less exhausting than me. You deserve it, Richard." They smile at each other.

"I... I should go back inside. I don´t want to leave her alone for too long."  
"Please send for me as soon as her condition changes. Mrs Hughes is in good hands now, Isobel."  
"I hope so," Isobel says quietly.  
"I know so," Dr Clarkson says and smiles at her.  
"Thank you." Isobel sighs and goes back into Elsie´s room. The doctor looks at her for a moment. Anna walks pass him into the room and he leaves.  
"I´ll see you out, Dr Clarkson."  
"Lead the way, Miss Baxter," he says and smiles at her.

"Mrs Crawley?" Isobel kneels next to the bed again and wipes the sweat from Elsie´s forehead. Dr Clarkson´s words have deeply worried her, she hasn´t noticed how Anna came back into the room. "Mrs Crawley?" Anna repeats a bit louder.  
"Hm? Oh, Anna. I didn´t see you standing there," Isobel looks up and her look falls on the letter in Anna´s hands. "Where... where did you get this from?" Isobel gets up.  
"Miss Baxter found it yesterday. It was laying right next to Mrs Hughes, when we found her and she thought it would be better to take it, before it gets lost," Anna says and leaves out the part with Mr Barrow , because she doesn´t want to worry Isobel more than necessary and after all, Miss Baxter wasn´t sure what he´s seen. "I can assure you, that we haven´t read anything."  
"I didn´t mean to imply that you have and ... oh, well as if this would matter now." Isobel looks down at Elsie. " You... you know that... I love her, don´t you?" Isobel asks and adds after a short pause,when she remembers what happened earlier in this room," Of course you do. And Miss Baxter,too." Isobel sits down on the bed, when she suddenly realize what this could mean for her and Elsie.  
Anna sees Isobel´s worried expression. "I can assure you, Mrs Crawley, that everything that happened in this room, will stay in this room. And the same applies for Miss Baxter. She is very loyal to Mrs Hughes. After all, Miss Baxter and I are maids and secrecy is part of our job description," Anna smiles and hopes to calm down Isobel with this.  
"Well, I wouldn´t know, would I? Don´t really have much experience with maids, much to Lady Grantham´s disapproval," Isobel smiles back weakly.  
Isobel looks at Elsie again. Studying her pale face. "Do you think she knows that I´m here?"  
"I... I don´t know, Mrs Crawley. You are the trained nurse and have experienc with these things."  
"You know, I always told the patient´s relatives that they definitely feel their presence, but I´m not so sure anymore. I know, that nurses are telling a lot of things." Isobel wrings out the cloth and pats Elsie´s forehead dry.  
"But don´t you think, that there was a reason why she called your name, when she was conscious?"  
"I would very much like to believe this."  
"Then do it, Mrs Crawley." Anna puts the letter on the nightstand and asks Isobel if she needs anything before she leaves.  
Isobel gets back on her knees again and takes Elsie´s hand in hers. "Maybe Anna is right. Maybe I should believe it." Isobel can no longer hold back her tears. "I´m here, Elsie. I will be here when you wake up, I promise. But where are you, Elsie? Where? "


	8. Chapter 8

**Warning! This chapter is rather dark in comparison to the previous ones!**

* * *

 _The corridor is bleak and shabby. The wallpaper has come loose and hangs down in lengths from the wall. Pictures are crooked. The carpet is stained and threadbare. Cockroaches bustle about the floor. The thick wall of smoke behind Elsie comes inexorably nearer and doesn´t give her a moment to relax. Elsie stumbles over a broken pictureframe. The broken glass is crunching beneath her feet. Flames are bursting out of the wall, trying to catch the hem of her torn dress. Elsie staggers from wall to wall. Her lungs are full of smoke and panic is rising in Elsie, when she feels how difficult breathing has become for her. The crackle of the fire, that has send the smoke as a deadly precursor, gets louder and flickers through the smoke. Elsie thinks, that she has seen a silhouette in the smoke, but wood trusses are falling from the ceiling and the silhouette is gone before Elsie can yell for help. She covers her ears from the noise the wood trusses are making, when they hit the ground, sending a wave of smoke in her direction. Sparks are burning little holes in her sleeves. The taste in her mouth is nearly unbearabel. Coughing is nearly impossible. Her eyes start to tear and her face is covered with grime. She tries to push herself from the wall and stumbles further down the corridor, hoping to escape this nightmarish scenery. And indeed can Elsie make out a dim light, that braves the darkness around, at the end of the corridor. She looks over her shoulder again, but to her surprise is the smoke no longer following her. It seems to linger in the corridor, waiting for Elsie´s next move. She turns back to the light, that becomes brighter and brighter with every insecuring step Elsie makes towards it. But her hope is dashed, when she is reaching the end of the corridor._

 _Instead of a door is there a gigant portrait on the wall. Little flames are nibbeling at the edges of the frame. It shows the postmistress in her most beautiful gown, standing on a green meadow. Her beautiful green eyes are looking at the bouquet of roses in her hand._  
 _"Noooo," Elsie screams out her frustration and falls on her knees. Not feeling the shards, that are cutting in her knees and hands. Tears are leaving white traces on her dirty face. Elsie looks at the portrait and her eyes widen. Cockroaches and other bugs are crawling over the picture now. The green meadow turned into a grey wasteland. The bouquet is withered. The dress is torn and the colour faded. The once beautiful face is haggered, the skin pale and wrinkly. Cheekbones are shining through the skin. But what Elsie shocks the most are the empty eye- sockets. Suddenly the postmistress moves her head and the empty eye- sockets are staring right at Elsie. Icewater is running through her veins, when she imagines how the postmistress´ stare is traveling over her body. The postmistress is raising her hand and points her bony hand accusingly down at Elsie. "You did this to me," she says in a scratchy voice. "This is all your FAULT," hurling the last word at Elsie. Her face distorted to a grotesque face, repeating her accusation over and over again._  
 _Elsie covers her ears and close her eyes, but she can´t hide from the high- pitched voice, that is slowly crawling inside her head. Elsie opens her eyes again. "No, no, no. This can´t be," Elsie stammers. The portrait has turned back into normal. "You are not real," Elsie shouts at it._  
 _"Do you think so," the postmistress replies and turns back into the old hag._  
 _Elsie sees a big piece of broken glass next to her. "You are not real," she repeats over and over again, when she picks the shard up. The glass splinter are digging deeper in the palm of her hand, when she rests on the wall to get up and her hand leaves a bloody print on the wall. She making her way to the portrait with great effort, where the postmistress is still mocking her. "You can´t hide from me. No one will save you."_  
 _"That is NOT TRUE," Elsie tries to yell back but her throat is so swollen and dry form the smoke that she can only manage a caw. She leans against the wall. Getting up from the ground has cost her a lot of power. She looks back at the portrait. "Isobel. Isobel will save me. She loves me. She told me." The thought of Isobel´s words give her new energy and she is pushing herself away from the wall, determind to make her way to the portrait and destroy it but a shrill noise lets her flinch and she nearly tumbles. With a lot of strenght can she straighten up herself. The old hag on the portrait has thrown back her head and laughs._

 _"You really think that she loves you, don´t you? Awww, isn´t that sweet?" The postmistress plays with the dead roses in her hand. And then she suddenly points the bouquet at Elsie, her face again a grimace. "You really think she could love SOMEONE LIKE YOU? That she is waiting for you?" Elsie tries to shut out her voice and tries again to make her way up to the portrait. She supports herself on the wall, now and then her hand slips and she is crashing with her shoulder against the wall._  
 _The postmistress goes on with her triade. "LOOK AT ME. LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME." Elsie comes closer with every word she says, slowly putting one foot in front of the other. The shard is digging deeper into her hand, blood drips onto the floor. "You are not real," is Elsie telling herself over and over again._  
 _"Oh, I am real, Elsie Hughes. And you are not worth to get loved by anyone EVER AGAIN," the postmistress spits at her, "because you have done this to me."_  
 _Elsie has reached the portrait by now. She looks up. Fire in her eyes. "I know that Isobel loves me. She is here and YOU ARE NOT REAL," Elsie screams and with her last bit of strength she leaps forward._  
 _"What are you doing?" the postmistress asks irritated. "Noooooooooooo," she screams, when Elsie stabbs the shard into the picture. The high- pitched scream of the postmistress echoes through the corridor._

 _Elsie lets the shard fall and covers her ears again, blood is running down her face from her hands. The scream sets her teeth to edge and then ... silence._


	9. Chapter 9

Isobel stands at the window, watching the sun going down. Stressful hours are laying behind her. Elsie has been so fluttered earlier, that Isobel could hardly calm her down. With every tossing and turning did Isobel become more desperate, especially when she realised that her calming words and touches didn´t seem to reach Elsie anymore. She nearly wanted to call for help, when she saw her letter on the nightstand and she remembered Anna´s words from earlier. So she read it out to Elsie, while she was holding her hand. And her words did wonders to Elsie. Her words immediately calmed her down and Isobel would like to treasure the feeling, she felt when she saw what kind of impact her words have on Elsie, forever. She looks at Elsie, who is now laying peacefully in her bed. Isobel even hoped for a second, that her words might wake her up. "But I guess that only happens in fairy tales," Isobel sighs.  
Isobel´s stomach is growling. She´s hardly eaten anything the whole day. Anna has offered to take care of Elsie, so that she could have dinner with the family, Robert had invited her to, but she refused both offers, because she didn´t want to leave Elsie alone. She wanted to be there when she wakes up. Her stomach growls again and Isobel decides that she can leave Elsie alone for a moment. She needs to catch some fresh air and maybe something to eat from the kitchen. Isobel walks to the bed and sits down. She takes Elsie´s hand in hers. "I won´t be long. I promise," she says, kissing the back of her hand.  
Elsie opens her eyes, the moment Isobel leaves the room. The dim light from the lamp on her nightstand blinds her and causes a stinging pain in her head. "Is... Isobel?" she asks barely audible and looks around the room when she got used to the brightness, but she only finds an empty chair next to her bed. "No, no, no." Desperation spreads in Elsie. She throws away the blanket and makes an attempt to sit up. The room is spinning and her head is nearly bursting when she carefully sits up. She inhales sharply due to the pain from her ribs. She covers her right side and lets her legs slowly slide from the mattress and manages to sit on the edge of the bed. Her heart is beating faster from the exertion. "Isobel?" The pain makes her feel dizzy and she feels nauseous, but with a lot of willpower can she fight back this feeling and after several attempts is she finally able to stand up with the help of the chair. The pain at her side lets her flinch and it takes a moment till it dies away. She makes one insecure step to the side and is reaching for the bedframe. Her knees are wobbly and the pain is beating inexorably again. Elsie carefully puts one foot in front of the other. "Isobel?" Her desperation grows with every insecure step she makes. "No, no, no. She is here. She must be." The words from her nightmare are back in her head and tears are rising in her eyes. Suddenly her legs buckle beneath her, but before she falls someone is catching her.  
"Isobel?" Elsie asks confused. "You ... you are here?"  
"Yes, I´m here, Elsie, I´m here. Quick, Anna. I can´t hold her any longer," she says to the younger woman behind her. Together they manoeuvre Elsie back into her bed.  
"You are here," Elsie says relieved when Isobel kneels next to her bed and takes her hand again.  
"Of course I am." Isobel squeezes her hand reassuringly.  
"Do you want me to send for Dr Clarkson, Mrs Crawley?" Anna asks.  
"No, just... just give us a moment. I´ll let you know. And Anna? Thank you. Thank you for everything." Isobel smiles at her thankfully. Anna nods and wants to ask if she needs anything else, but Isobel has already centered her attention on Elsie and she leaves quietly.  
"You are here," Elsie whispers again in disbelief. "She was wrong. She was wrong." Tears of relief are running over Elsie´s cheek.  
"Who, Elsie? Who was wrong?" Isobel asks concerned, brushing a stray of hair from her forehead.  
"It was so horrible, Isobel." Tears are filling Elsie´s eyes again, when she remembers. "There was this corridor, smoke was everywhere and this .. this picture," Elsie tells stagnantly with a hoarse voice.  
"Shhhh, it´s alright. You don´t have to tell about it now. You are safe here," Isobel says when she sees that Elsie becomes fluttered again.  
"I... we all have been so worried about you," Isobel says after a brief pause," even Lord Grantham has paid you a visit."  
"His Lordship was here?"  
"Yes, and the Dowager also asked after your well being." Isobel chuckles when she sees Elsie´s reaction.  
"I had no idea that I´m so popular." Elsie tries to laugh but can only cough.  
"Wait, I´ll get you some water," Isobel says and gets up.  
Elsie sees Isobel´s pained expression. "What´s the matter, Isobel?"  
"Nothing, it´s just may back. I´m just too old for sleeping on a chair the whole night."  
"You slept on a chair? I don´t understand," Elsie is confused.  
"Well, you have been unconscious for nearly two days." Isobel sits down on the bed and helps Elsie to drink and tells her what happened.  
"Two days? And you have been here all the time?"Isobel nods and puts the glass on the nightstand. Despite her hurting knees and back does she kneel next to the bed again, because she wants to be close to Elsie.  
"You can´t believe how scared I was, when Anna came to me and told me what happened to you... Seeing you like this... I thought I would lose you, Elsie. Lose you before we could be together," Isobel whispers.  
"Together?"  
"Yes, Elsie, I want to be with you. I know it won´t be easy, but you know me, difficult situations are my speciality," Isobel smiles. "I meant every word I wrote, Elsie," she adds more serious.  
"The... the letter. Wh... where is it?" Elsie suddenly remembers that she read it when the fire broke out.  
"I´ve got it," Isobel says when she sees that Elsie is looking for it." Miss Baxter found it and gave it to Anna.  
"Miss Baxter?" Elsie gets a bit nervous. "Do you think, that she´s read anything?"  
"No, I´m certain she didn´t and neither did Anna. She assured me that they haven´t, but I think Miss Baxter knows and I´m afraid Dr Clarkson knows as well," Isobel says carefully. She feels a bit uncomfortable to tell Elsie.  
"About us?" Elsie´s eyes widen in shock. All these years could she keep her secret and now within a couple days everyone seems to know.  
"I´m so sorry, Elsie, it´s all my fault." Isobel takes Elsie´s hand. "But when I saw you laying here like this, I could no longer hold back my feelings and I didn´t pay attention to the people in the room. I just wanted to be near you." Isobel feels a bit desperate. "But nothing changed, you know. I mean, Miss Baxter didn´t give my any odd looks or anything. In fact she and Anna have been a great help. And I´m sure that she or Anna haven´t told anyone, because they all behave normal around me. No comments have been made or so...I´m so sorry, Elsie." Until now she hasn´t realised what her imprudent behaviour might have caused and how this could impact Elsie´s life.  
Elsie wishes that this hadn´t happen, but Isobel´s words that she just wanted to be near her and the fact that she spent two days by her side, causes a feeling inside her she can´t describe.  
"I am sure that you didn´t do it deliberately. Please, don´t blame yourself. But don´t let us talk about it now. I am so glad that you are here, Isobel." Elsie covers Isobel´s hand. They stay like this for a moment and look at each other. Clinging to their thoughts.  
"Do... do you stay tonight?" Elsie asks after a while.  
"Of course I will." Isobel smiles at her. "I will just ask Anna for another pillow for my back." Isobel is about to get up, when Elsie grabs her arm.  
"No, that... that is not what I meant," Elsie whispers shyly.  
"You want me to sleep in your bed?" Isobel asks surprised.  
Elsie nods. "I don´t want to be alone tonight, Isobel."  
Isobel´s heart nearly bursts when she sees Elsie´s pleading look. She can see that Elsie is scared, that the things that have haunted her, might come back during the night. Isobel doesn´t even want to imagine what Elsie has been through.  
"I will." Isobel sees the relief in Elsie´s eyes, when she finally answers and even when she wishes that the circumstances are different, Isobel can´t deny that her heart is beating a little bit faster by the pure thought of being that near to Elsie tonight.  
"I better lock the door then, because I don´t want to raise more eyebrows than necessary," Isobel says when she gets up and walks to the door. " You should have seen Carson, when I told him that I want to stay here with you and not in one of the guestrooms. His eyebrow hasn´t come down yet. And I think it won´t until he sees the back of me," Isobel laughs and even Elsie manages a little chuckle by the thought of it.  
Isobel helps Elsie to turn carefully to her left side before she slides under the blanket. She carefully puts her hand on Elsie´s hurt ribs. A gesture, that already feels familiar to both of them.  
"Are you comfortable enough?" both women ask at the same time and laugh.  
"Look at us. Two invalids in one bed. We should think about hiring a nurse," Elsie grins.  
"You are beautiful when you smile, my darling, " Isobel says, caressing Elsie´s cheek. "That was one of the first things I´ve noticed about sparkle in your eyes when you smile. I didn´t know it then, but I think that was, when I fell in love with you." Elsie has closed her eyes, enjoying Isobel´s touch on her skin. "And then your beautiful accent." A warm feeling spreads in Elsie, when she feels Isobel´s finger running gently over her lips. A feeling she hasn´t felt in years, but hopes to feel more often in the future. Elsie opens her eyes. She sees a shadow in Isobel´s eyes. "I´m so sorry, that I didn´t give you many reasons to smile lately."  
"Isobel, there is no need for you to apologise. None of this was your fault. It... " and after a brief pause Elsie begins to tell Isobel everything she´s told Anna before. Now and then adding things, she doesn´t want Anna to know, but knows Isobel would understand. And Isobel just listens. Giving Elsie time, when needed. Comforting her, when necessary. Isobel still doesn´t say a thing when Elsie has finished. She can see how her story has touched her and that Isobel is searching for the right thing to say.  
"Please don´pity me, Isobel. I was the one who chose this life. Unintended, but I did."  
"I don´t pity you, Elsie. I feel with you." Isobel looks deep in Elsie´s eyes. "I love you, Elsie."  
"I love you, Isobel."

And they kiss. First shy and tentative, but when they realise, that the ghost from the past isn´t showing up, their kisses are losing their innocence.

 _Days later_

" I bet Carson wouldn´t approve of this table," Isobel says to herself, when she inspects the table for the hundreds of time," but I think it´s perfect."  
She looks at the clock on the sideboard and gets nervous, because only a few more minutes and Elsie will be here. Its been nearly a week since they have seen each other. Isobel is missing their daily walks,chats and secret kisses. A gentle smile plays about her lips when she remembers those kisses. But after a week of daily visits Isobel ran out of excuses, because everyone could see that Elsie has fully recovered and they would have sooner or later figure out, that Elsie´s health was just an excuse for them to spend time together. They have decided with a heavy heart not to see each other the past week and Elsie has agreed to come for lunch on her next day off.  
Both women are smiling from ear to ear when they stand on front of each other in Isobel´s hallway.  
"You are here," Isobel says.  
"This time I won´t run away." Isobel can see the sudden serious expression on Elsie´s face. She knows that Elsie is still scared, even after all the talks they had about her nightmare when she was unconscious, that ghosts are lurking somewhere and just wait for the right moment to come out. Elsie doesn´t fully trust her newfound peace yet. But Isobel is willing to tell her over and over again, that it´s real what´s happening with them and what happened in the past will stay in the past.  
"I know you won´t. I know," Isobel reassures her, caressing her cheek and she can see how the dark cloud in Elsie´s eyes slowly disappears.  
There is no room for worries and dark thoughts on this special day and Isobel hopes to cheer Elsie up with her next comment.  
" But I cooked lunch, so maybe I should lock the door just in case. Don´t look at me like this. I often cooked for my late husband," Isobel says, when she sees Elsie´s surprise and is glad that she could successfully cheer her up.  
"And ?" Elsie asks with a raised eyebrow.  
"Well, lets just say it´s good that I´m a trained nurse," Isobel grins and steals a kiss from Elsie.  
"Oh, that sounds promising. But I think, I´m going to risk it, because I know from experience that you are a very good nurse," Elsie says with a sparkle in her eyes that is only reserved for Isobel. Her finger runs over the collar of Isobel´s blouse down to the first button.  
"Am I?" Isobel can feel her temperature rising. Her hands travel from Elsie´s hip to her back and she pulls Elsie a bit closer,closing the gap between them and their lips are nearly touching. Elsie´s hand is resting on Isobel´s chest now. Elsie notice how her blouse tightens over her bossom, when she feels the movement of Isobel´s chest beneath her hand. She is about to kiss her, when Isobel suddenly says, "Well, I think we should go into the dinning room before lunch gets cold." A wicked grin appears on her lips, because she knows very well what she´s just interrupted.  
Elsie clears her throat. "Yes... yes, I think you are right. We definitely don´t want this to happen, do we?" Both women are enjoying this little game of teasing tremendously. Elsie hasn´t felt this relaxed and frisky for ages.

They hardly speak during lunch. There is no need to, because when it´s true that one look is worth a thousand words, then millions of words must have been spoken.  
Elsie puts her napkin on the table and gets up. Isobel does the same and they meet halfway.  
"Thank you, for this wonderful meal, Isobel." Elsie leans forward, she can still taste the wine on Isobel´s lips.  
"You are welcome. Very welcome. Why don´t we have dessert in the salon and listen to some music," Isobel suggests.  
"What´s for dessert?" Elsie wants to know.  
"Chocolate cake," Isobel whispers.  
"That sounds delicious." Elsie runs her finger along Isobel´s jaw line, when she says this. Isobel´s heart starts to beat faster under her touch and she can see how Elsie bites her lips, when she looks down at hers. A look, that lets her temperature rise.  
Elsie bends forward, Isobel can feel her warm breath on her neck and she whispers into her ear," Then why don´t you get the tea before it gets cold and I put the music on." Elsie grins when she pulls back and sees Isobel´s expression.  
"Well played, Mrs Hughes, well played," Isobel says with a little laughter.  
"I think we are square now, Mrs Crawley," Elsie says with a smirk on her lips.

Isobel finds Elsie standing at the gramophone when she enters the salon with a tray. She carefully puts it on the sideboard and looks at Elsie for a moment. She wonders what the other servants would say, if they could the otherwise stern and reserved housekeeper like this. So frisky and happy; so sensual and desirable. If they would know, that Elsie has nearly nothing in common with Mrs Hughes. She also wonders, if Elsie´s happiness will have any influence on Mrs Hughes, but the music starts to play and Isobel pushes these thoughts away. She sneaks up behind Elsie and wraps her arms around Elsie´s waist.  
" I knew you would pick this record, "Isobel says, kissing Elsie´s neck before resting her head on her shoulder. Elsie cuddles up to Isobel.  
"Really? Am I that predictable?" Elsie chuckles.  
"You are to me." "And you are to me", Elsie adds in her thoughts. Of course has Elsie immediately recognised the blouse Isobel is wearing and she´s certain that Isobel has chosen it deliberately. A thought, that slightly arouses her.  
Both have their eyes closed and together they sway to the music.  
"I dedicate this to love and lovers," Isobel whispers in Elsie´s ear, when the next song starts, kissing the spot behind her ear.  
Elsie turns around, resting her forehead against Isobel´s.  
"Please, come to bed with me, Elsie. Let me be your lover today ... and not only today."  
Arm in arm they walk upstairs, escorted by the music that plays softly in the background.


	10. Epilog

_Epilog_

(previously published as "What if?")

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 ** _Isobel´s PoV_**

I am here with her. I am standing with Elsie in my bedroom, holding her hand tight. Afraid that she´ll run away or am I the one who needs to be hold? I´ve always dreamed of this moment since I kissed Elsie for the first time. I feel Elsie´s gaze on me and look at her. I force myself to smile. I don´t want to see her the insecurity and doubts in my eyes and I look away again. I meant every word I said to her earlier. I want to be her lover with every fibre of my body but what if she doesn´t like what she sees? She has told me over and over again how beautiful I am but that is easy to say when a nice dress covers your ageing body. A body, nobody has seen naked for centuries. Even I look away when I catch myself naked in the mirror. So how can she look at me and not see how I really look like? I never thought that I would have to go through these insecurities again at my age. I thought, that this chapter of my life is closed for good after Reginald has died but then the Titanic sank and Elsie Hughes stepped into my life. Suddenly I caught myself staring at Elsie and dreamt of things I never thought I would long for but what if I´m not good enough for her? Elsie knows that I´ve never been with another woman. Will she be patient with me and overlook my inadequateness? What if...  
I feel Elsie´s hand under my chin and look at her. She whispers my name before I feel her soft lips on mine and suddenly I remember why we are here. I want to feel her lips, which have whispers sweet words to me every time we have seen each other, explore every inch of my skin. And a very familiar feeling, which I haven´t felt for ages, begins to spread in my body.  
My fingers begin to tremble when I try to open the buttons of her blouse. "Let me help you." She smiles at me and begins to undress herself. My heartbeat is increasing with every piece of clothes she takes off. I don´t dare to look at her. It´s not that I´ve never seen a naked woman before but that was at the hospital and these women needed professional help and didn´t long for me and my touch.

Elsie takes my hand and puts it on her chest. I can feel her heartbeat and the warmth of her skin beneath my hand. "You are doing this to me, Isobel." And then I dare to look at her. My eyes are following her womanly curves up to her full breasts that are crowned with dark red buds. My mouth gets dry and I have to swallow. I want to touch them but I don´t dare. My eyes wander further upwards, over her shoulders to her neck, where I have kissed her only minutes ago. I close my eyes for a moment and recall that moment, when I open them again I look directly in her eyes and I begin to undress myself. I don´t look at her when I do so but I can feel her watching me. When I´m done I have to fight back the urge to cover myself. I look over at the window and regret it not to close the curtains to keep the bright light out, that illuminates every flaw of my body. I look down at the floor and hold my breath, desperately waiting for a reaction from Elsie. She steps closer, her bare feet enter my field of vision and although her body doesn´t touch mine can I feel the warmth of her body on my skin. "You look beautiful, Isobel." I don´t believe her words but I believe her eyes when I look at her.

Together we climb into my bed. We are facing each other, our bodies are not touching. Elsie takes my hand and puts it on her hip and I pull her instinctively closer. I gasp when her body is touching mine, her breast pressed against mine and her leg searching its way between my knees.  
Elsie´s hand reaching for my cheek, stroking it with her thumb. "There is no wrong or right. Just let it happen, Isobel," she says as if she could read my thoughts. I put my head on her shoulder. "Will you guide me, Elsie?"  
And she does. She guides me into heights I´ve never been before and never want to leave again.

Afterwards. I feel her body behind me, her arm lays protectively over my waist, her warm breath tickles my nape. I turn my head , look at her and I know that there is no more what if.

 **The End**

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 **A/N:**  
 **Thank you very, very much for taking up your time and reading this story and for all your kind reviews :) They really helped me when I felt uncertain about this whole project.**


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